Relationships
What is a relationship?
How do we establish a
relationship and keep it going?
What is a legitimate
relationship?
© Rev. Dr. Curtis I. Crenshaw 1997
(This was a letter to someone many years ago. The names have been taken out.)
Thank you
for coming to see me. I really enjoyed
getting to know you. I came from a very
poor Southern home, where we did not have air conditioning or a car until I was
a senior in high school. My grandfather,
with whom I lived until I was 11 along with my mother and grandmother, was an
alcoholic. My dad died from cirrhosis of
the liver, having drank himself to death. (I hardly knew him as my parents divorced
when I was about two years old.) My wife
is also from a divorced background. The
minister who married Ruth and me said that the statistics were against us since
both our parents had been through divorces, but that the grace of God would
make the difference. Sometimes I give
people this riddle: I have been married twice, never divorced, my first wife
did not die, and I’m not a bigamist. The
answer is that on our 25th wedding anniversary, my wife and I publicly renewed
our vows and then took a cruise. Our son
was the best man, and our daughter the maid of honor. I said all that to say this: the reason we
have beaten the odds is not because we are better than others — indeed, we are
not — but solely the grace of God. Let
me briefly explain.
The basis
for all human relationships is a vital relationship with Almighty God, Father,
Son, and Holy Spirit. The hope we have
for any change is bound up in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I do not mean by that just Church attendance,
though that is certainly critical, but one must have a vital relationship with
God through Christ. The institutional
Church has been a failure the last 100 years, though the fault lies not with
the Church per se but with the lack of the old Gospel that has been taught
the last century. Since ministers tend
not to take God and His Word seriously, neither do the people. They think that they can come and go to
Church as they please and certainly do not have any accountability to God
through His Church, which is false. The
Reformed Episcopal Church is seeking to change that in her churches.
The main
point of this letter is to emphasize how the Gospel applies to human
relationships, that our relationship with Him necessarily determines our human
relationships. More
specifically, I shall discuss the relationship of marriage, though the biblical
model could be applied to other relationships, such as work, government, and so
on. A marriage is defined in Scripture as
one male and one female committing themselves to one another for life by vows
in the presence of the appropriate witnesses.
The witnesses should include a representation of God (minister, or
justice of the peace in a civil marriage) and of man (parents in the case of a
first marriage and/or other witnesses).
This relationship between the man and the woman is based on their commitment to the Triune God, Father, Son, and Holy
Spirit, is sustained by using the means of grace in the context of the
Church, the terms are God’s Word, especially the Ten Commandments, the goal
is producing holiness in the lives, and its fruit is to continue the
covenant through godly children. I shall
briefly explain each of these.
This
definition of marriage I have given is pretty much standard theology, and could
be proved from various passages of Scripture, especially from Ephesians 5:22-33. Another way to say the same thing is that marriage is a covenant, an agreement between
two heterosexual parties in which they commit themselves to one another for
life. This is not the modern practice of
consenting adults, but is really the opposite.
In my opinion, it is this point that has reaped much havoc in the lives
of many, for perhaps they have not understood what constitutes a relationship,
have never thought about it and assumed that what our culture does is normal
and acceptable, or in the extreme did not care what constitutes a relationship,
thinking they can easily get out if they decided they did not like it (for whatever
reason).
The
biblical view of marriage (or relationship) is not an experiment
to see if the parties can get along nor a test of compatibility. At this point, our relationship with God is
foremost and determinative. When one
comes to God for forgiveness of sins, he comes just as he is, sins and all,
trusting in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ for forgiveness of
sins. Indeed, the only thing we can
contribute to our relationship with God is our sins; He gives the grace based
on what Jesus has done. The sinner
surrenders unconditionally to Jesus, asking for His grace not only to forgive
his sins but also to make him/her a better person. Similarly, when two people come to be
married, they come just as they are, unconditionally surrendering themselves to
one another, depending on the grace of God.
The reason they know it will work is that God has promised His grace.
Such a relationship is not a
compatibility test. Marriage is based on
our spiritual marriage to Christ, and that is not a guess but what the Apostle
Paul stated in Ephesians
By contrast, God’s model is specifically
stated to be based on Christ’s love for His Church (Ephesians 5) and is this:
“You are first; I came through the Virgin Mary to die for you; I
unconditionally love you; I have done everything to make the relationship work;
love is in my control and I will always give it because it is not dependent on
who you are but who I am, but I have chosen to love you; you do not have to
perform for me to love you,” and so on.
Christ’s love applied to the human relationship of marriage is like this
from the man to his wife: “Based on Christ’s unconditional love for me, I extend
the same to you; you do not have to perform for me to love you; I surrender all
that I am to you and my time is yours; I will do all in my power to make you
happy; love is in my control and I am always responsible to give it because it
is not drawn passively out of me; you do not have to perform for me to love you;
you do not have to give me your body before our public vows to prove your love
to me,” and so on.
If I may
make an observation, women are very sensitive to commitment. They tend rightly and innately to define love as commitment, and this
in turn gives them tremendous security (Ephesians 5 again). Security has little to do with finances. Without this they feel unloved, something to
be used for a while and then discarded, regardless of a man’s words to the
contrary. (Actions speak to the real
intention.) This is one reason why the
consenting adults model is wrong, namely, the
commitment is reserved for later, if she is worthy. Christ did not do this with His Church. He gave Himself freely, completely,
unconditionally, and without reservation to His Church, to die for her, to
raise Himself from the dead for her, to love her without conditions. But one enters this relationship with Him by
a covenant, not by trying Him out first, and this covenant is in baptism in His
Church by vows in the presence of witnesses, in unconditionally surrendering to
Him. After one enters His covenant the
Church, only then can he/she have Holy Communion. The analogy would be that only after one has
made the marriage covenant by vows can he/she have the communion of sexual
union.
When we
came to Christ for forgiveness of sins, we came unconditionally. He loved us not because we were lovely, not
because His love was drawn out of Him by some irresistible force, but because
He chose
to love us by vow in the covenant of grace.
In the consenting adults model, love is an emotion
that someone else elicits from us; we are passive and “fall in and out of love”
according to how the other person treats us.
The biblical model says that by the grace of God I will love you, and we will
make this relationship work. We can see
that true love need not be tested to see if it is compatible by observing that
we had no choice in our parents or siblings, and yet we made these
relationships work. We love our parents. How much more should we make a relationship
work in which we have a choice! The biblical
model says that we are in control of our love.
Indeed, we are so much in control of our love that we can even love our
enemies, as the Lord commanded us (Matthew 5:44).
Therefore,
for one to say I have to leave this relationship because I’m not happy anymore
is to engage in selfishness, to give an excuse for a lack of commitment and for
not wanting responsibility to love unconditionally. It is a total misunderstanding of the nature
of love. Marriage is a commitment
whereby the vowing partners voluntarily limit their freedom for the benefits
they will receive and for the glory of God.
They are not “wedded” to the idea that freedom means no responsibility
but that true freedom is enslavement. Just as freedom from our sins comes from enslavement to the Lord by
an unconditional surrender to Him, so true freedom in marriage derives from
enslavement to our spouse, only doing good for him/her. A commitment easily made is easily broken,
but one done according to God’s Word and through public vows is to be taken seriously.
One keeps himself faithful to his wife by honoring his
vows. If his love wanes (it should not
since it is being sustained by the grace of God), he is still obligated to
honor his vows. He has vowed to God to
be faithful, and marriage is God’s institution, not mankind’s,
and the terms are His, not ours to remake as one wishes. The Lord Himself stated: “What God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew
19:6). God will hold us accountable for His
vows that we made.
But someone will
object that he/she did not agree to such stringent terms in his vows that
he/she took, but that is to assume that marriage belongs to man, that it is his
institution to remake as he/she wishes.
Regardless of the particular words spoken, the institution is God’s, and
once the vows are said, one is bound by His definition of marriage.
It is conceivable that a couple could mock God with vows
that specifically deny true commitment, such as, “We will not commit ourselves
to one another except for sex,” or some other farce. Or they may take private vows with no one
present but themselves, thus deliberately avoiding any accountability. In both cases God would not recognize that a
marriage has taken place.
Let us now
consider that marriage is sustained by using the means of
grace in the context of the Church, and that the terms are God’s Word, especially
the Ten Commandments. The means of grace
include attending worship together at the same Church, praying together,
reading the Bible together, making frequent use of the sacraments, and
especially subjecting ourselves to the authority of God in the institution of
His Church. In
The terms
of all covenants, whether by atheists or by Christians, are the Ten
Commandments. Indeed, since this is
God’s world and He created it, the only moral law that exits is His. Any moral “law” enacted by man, whether the
Congress or by a particular church, is either an application of God’s law or an
act of rebellion. Satan told Eve in the
Garden that if she ate the fruit (we do not know what kind of fruit it was)
that she would be like God “knowing good and evil.” The Hebrew word for “knowing” (remember, I
teach Hebrew in seminary) in this passage means “determining.” In other words, the lie of the ages has been
that man is “free” to determine his own so-called “values.” (“Values” really do not exist. God has sovereignly imposed His Ten Commandments
on the world, not His Ten Suggestions.)
Man is allegedly free to make up his own moral code as he pleases, thus
being a law-giver and like God. But of
course that was Satan’s lie.
In light
of all this, the terms for any covenant, whether the government, an employer, a
church, or especially marriage, is God’s holy Law. As the Apostle Paul stated by the Holy
Spirit,
Owe no one anything except to love
one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit
adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not bear
false witness,” “You shall not covet,” and if there is any other commandment, are all
summed up in this saying, namely, “You shall love your neighbor as
yourself.” Love does no harm to a
neighbor; therefore love is the
fulfillment of the law (Romans 13:8-10).
Here we
have a definition of what love is.
It is basically volitional (thus we control it),
being obedient to God’s Law regarding others.
It is not an emotion that controls us, but a choice that we control. If one loves his wife according to these
commands, she will not normally leave him.
In other words, he does not commit adultery but gives himself to her
alone; he does not steal but provides for her; he does not tell others about
their problems who are not part of the proper covenants (especially he does not
tell all his “friends”); he does not torture his soul with covetousness; and he
does for others what he would want them to do for him (within the limits of how
Scripture defines that); he puts God first and does not worship false gods such
as money, job, friends, and so on. The
other commandments from the Ten are implied.
Such is love. One can usually
tell what the real god in a person’s life is by observing what he loves to
spend his time doing. What one does, not what one says, reveals his true god.
Another
way to define love is that it gives itself for the other person
self-sacrificially, unconditionally, continually, overlooking his/her faults,
seeking only to do good. This necessarily involves an enormous time
commitment, without which it is not possible to love biblically at all. It is especially common for the man after
marriage to take the relationship for granted, and then spend his free time
with his friends, leaving the wife alone.
Then he comes home and wants sex, wondering why she is not responsive. Love without a time commitment is quickly
compromised.
The goal
of marriage is holiness of life, which means being ever more conformed to the
moral character of Christ. This is a
slow and painful process, but the godly husband seeks such in his wife and
children. The only way to obtain this is
by using the means of grace mentioned above.
God has made the husband the head of the family, and he must exercise
this responsibility by leading the family in worship by taking them to Church,
not sending them; by reading the Bible at home, not by leaving that to the
preacher only; by teaching his children about God, not leaving that to the Church
only; and especially by being an example himself.
Finally,
the fruit
of marriage is having sexual union that produces children. This is an enormous responsibility. One of the worst sins of our culture is the
irresponsible attitudes towards sex and then nullifying the product of such a
union by abortion. (God can forgive
abortion if the person repents, confessing such to Him, asking for the
cleansing blood of Christ.) The parties must
not want the fruit of sexual union without the permanent commitment and
especially without the responsibility that such commitment entails, such as
rearing children. But having children in
God’s covenant of marriage is one of the greatest blessings that God has given
us.
Everything we have said so far leads
to the conclusion that pre-marital sex is sinful. We must not partake of the holy communion of
marriage without first entering the binding union and commitment by vows. In the analogy of Christ and the Church, we
cannot have Holy Communion with Christ until we have been baptized, cannot have
His fellowship and love in His Church until we have made a binding commitment
to Him. If we can take our relationship
with Him casually, then we can take our relationships with the opposite sex
casually. If we can know God outside the
marriage covenant in the Church, we can have casual relations with others
outside the human marriage covenant.
Furthermore, God specifically legislates against those who have sex
outside the marriage commitment.
If a man finds a young woman who is a virgin, who is not betrothed,
and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are found out, then the man who
lay with her shall give to the young woman’s father fifty shekels of silver,
and she shall be his wife because he has humbled her; he shall not be permitted
to divorce her all his days (Deut. 22:28-29).
Observe that she is not his wife by
virtue of the sex they had, and observe that it is consensual sex since the
text says “they are found out”
(rape demanded the death penalty). The
principle is that if they looked at the relationship casually as consenting
adults then God required that they consider the relationship so seriously that
now no divorce was allowed. Again, God
states regarding sex before and after marriage:
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators
and adulterers God will judge (Hebrews 13:4).
From this passage, on the one hand
we see not only is sex in marriage “undefiled,” which means not sinful but
righteous, but on the other hand that God will judge “fornicators” and
“adulterers.” Obviously, an “adulterer”
is one who is married who has sex with someone who is not his/her spouse, which
means that a “fornicator” must be someone who has sex while unmarried. And those are the consistent meanings of the
words “adulterer” and “fornicator” in Scripture, the two words being used about
90 times.
In conclusion, what sustains godly
married couples is not some mystical magic or spark or chemistry, all of which
are virtually indefinable, but their commitment to God, to His Word, to His
vows, to using the means of grace in the context of the Church, and to
obedience to God’s terms of the marriage covenant, the
Ten Commandments. The “spark” will be
there, but it is the caboose and not the engine. The engine is their commitment to God and His
vows in their marriage covenant. Indeed,
the vows are His.
So what
constitutes a marriage relationship? It
is an unconditional commitment of one male and one female to one another for
life in a covenant by vows in the presence of the appropriate witnesses,
depending on the grace of God in Christ in His Church to make the relationship
work.